The flies.

The flies....

in my house are overwhelming. Crawling over everything. Crawling over me. LIke a decaying body left deep forest to rot. Is that what I've become? Skinny and dead? Sounds Hell of a lot better than what I've got now. Fat, and barely alive. I wish I could rearrange the way things are....

The flies in my house are overwhelming....






Hey guys, sorry for the long, depressing rants lately. I'v been in oneof those moods again this week. The self pity kind. I know it's annoying but,, this is the only place I can vent things like this. I bet you wanna know about my weight.... Checked it this morning and I'mdown to exactly 100. This may sound exciting but I've been here before and I'm still not staisfied. It's not like I've taken a long drop anyway... starving, recovery, starving, recovery. What a misguided pattern. I just wanna be 75 already. I just want to be skinny. I just want to be n o t i c e d.

The Tears.

I've never cried so much. Not the weight, not the fat, not the sickness. I've just never been so lonely. Left alone by everyone I know. Ventig a story no one cares about. Losing track of myself and days passed. I want to be loved, I want to be known and heard. Hunger hurts so much less than these pains. Fill me up. Make me live.I question myself.... How can losing weight fill this void?

Have you ever felt so dead that being alive was taboo?

I say: Fix Me.
He Says: I can't fix something that's barely there.

He's the one who broke me.

The Test.

I took a test in health about anorexia. It's our Nutition/Body Image unit, the two strangest things to put together, I swear. The test was quite easy for the most part for obvious reasons, but still.... I got one question wrong....
"What are some factors that can lead to one being anorexic?"
A. Stress
B. Lack of intelligence
C. Job located around beauty and size
D. Lack of a healthy self image

I thought most of them were correct and just chose the one we'd talked most about in class, Letter D.

The Correct Answer was B.

Sometimes When You Lose, You Win. My Ana Playlist.

"You knocked our faces to the floor but this is what we live for.....We'll never give up. No."

"I say you need to eat, she says I'll feed on your breath..."

"Let's starve down to the bone, we're looking better bony..."

"I can't eat anything without shoving my hands down my throat..."

"I don't look in the mirror, I don't like what I see starig back at me..."

"Hunger hurts, but starving works..."

"Feeling so easy, make me skin and bones..."

"Push me under, pull me farther, take me all the way..."

"I eat too much to die, but not enough to stay alive..."

"Perfect Weight, 88. She's never good enough..."

"Skinny is Sexy, Big isn't beautiful..."

"These calories are killing me..."

"I may be ugly, but they sure love to stare...."

My Tumblr.

http://thinskinbones.tumblr.com/

^That My lovely's is my newly created Tumblr page. It has NOTHING right now, but soon enough it shall. (: Follow me and I'll follow back! Also if you have any thinspo you'd like to contribute, considering that's mostly what it shall be, email me at thinskinbones@gmail.com It'll be most appriciated!

Stay Beautiful,
Jordan

40 Followers, The Eclipse.

First off, I'd like to say thanks for all the attention, I've finally reached 40 followers after a steady streak of thirty for almost a year. It makes me feel more confident in reaching goals since I know people are now with me. Keep Commenting, I love it. (:

Down to business... It was like bein hit upside the head. The sudden itching urge to purge. If you've read up on me on other sites, you'll know I havn't purged in over two years. Bulimia is where it started, binge,purge... soon enough just bite and purge. Nothing stayed down. The feeling a bit more statisfying than nothing ever have gone in at all. I quit that habit because I found it most hideous to hide, was bleeding from my mouth often, and was becoming immune to my body even giving in to the thrust of fingers into mouth. But here she comes, whispering old tidings to me once again. I'm scared and I've never heard anything whisper so loud.

The Veil, The Vows, and the Vulgar.

Twas the most beautiful wedding I've ever seen. Aunt and newly found Uncle combined to one soul being. Holy Matrimony. I've never felt more separated. Wedding cake laced in white, meats laced in sauce. I wanted to feel apart of it all. I was far away. Danced all night. Thought about burning fats. No fun. Where did it go? Castaway. Alone. Iwant ribs. I want pricking hips. I want to shrink. I want to go home.

Living with Size Zero.

New Thinspo, Bring Me Bones.

The Pain.

Lips Sealed Tight
Skin Inching to the Very Thought of it
Unable to Stop
They Screaming Voices of so Called "Loved Ones" Druming in Your Head
Your Mouth Opens
And Just Like That, Like Magic All of it Finds its Way Out
The Sweet Sticky Chocolate
Chips Drenched in Salsa, a Favorite of Yours
And The Sugar Cookies, All of Them Straight From the Pack
It's All Suddenly Gone
Down the Drain
You Feel Empty, But The Good Kind
An Unanwsered Prayer Suddenly Rings in The Back of Your Head
You Scoff at The Thought of Old Hopes, Now Worthless Passing Gesters
The Phone Rings
And Then it Rings Again
Then a Third Time
You Pick it Up
The Sorce of The Problem
Stirring Up More Unneeded Problems For Your Weak Aching Body
Suddenly Your Hungry Again...

My Mind.

Things were normal for awhile
Until that doctor visit
I steped upon that big metal scale
And just couldn't smile

103 is just way too much
Doctor says "its fine
You're 14 now after all''
There's something there I couldn't clutch

The whole way home and all day long
I couldn't let it go
I couldn't eat the rest of the day
It just felt so wrong

School the next day wasn't any better
All my skinny friends
I had myself convinced
that that'll never be me ever

So I devised a genius plan
one that's sure not to fail
food equals fat
stop eating, get a man

It took weeks for mom to notice
she scolded me a lot
eat this piece of cake she cried
I told her I could not

Still with no concern or consent from mommy dearest
I continue to lose weight
without resentment
and no one else can see it

And if I died right here right now
there's only one thing I'd regret
not that i'm only 95
but that I'm not 80 yet

Cutting.

I lay awake at night
To scared to sleep because I fear the light of tomorrow
But I want to fall asleep so I can dream I am someone else
So I decide to do neither
Instead I consult in my blade
My only friend I know i can count on
One mark on my arm is not enough
I make more until I feel nothing at all
I put him back in his hiding place
So no one may find him
Stained and rusted with blood
I lay back down in bed and watch myself bleed
Like a river flowing from every angle
I observe my river until the flowing stops
I find my favorite jacket
The one with blood stains on the inside sleeve
I slip it on
Carefully laying my head on my pillow
my eyes shut tight
I dream sweetly

Influences.

Hello Daddy It's been Awhile
things have changed since you were my father
your little girls got even smaller
don't let the purging be a bother

Ana is my only friend
things have been different since I was ten
I had a life back then
I had a family

Mia comes to visit every once in a while
... Daddy what's wrong why can't you smile
Don't talk to me like I'm still a child
look in my eyes

Daddy wait where are you going
you've gone again without me knowing
It'll be years again until I see that face
It always leaves without a trace

Daddy you make so blue
we used to stick together... just like glue
Maybe that's why I weigh 92
I can't gain anything unless I'm with you

The Media.

Skinny girls line my walls
In my school they walk the halls
Pretty models at the mall
Why do they get to be so thin and tall?

Mommy tells me "Dear it's all in your head"
If that's so Mommy dearest why can't I get out of bed?
Or remember what you've just said?
If I've got so much time left to live why do I feel so dead?

Grandma doesn't get it as she asks me "Why?"
I say "You know I can't help it. At least I try."
Time to ask myself a question 'Why must I lie?'
A question never answered, drowned out by my cries

Pappy asks me "What's for lunch?"
I said I couldn't handle much
Another day of life's crutch
and Ana's strong and painful clutch

I've lost another ten and I'm not happy yet
Just another ten to perfection that was my bet
A promise I made to myself that I now regret
Oh me why do we do this to ourself? How Skinny must we Get?

The Pig.

I used to be a pig.
I used to think that weight was everything.
But now I get to sing.
Free from the nonsense that anorexia brings.
I have friends.
I've had men.
I see a whole new light.
I've stopped crying for a reason.
Every single night.
I don't see fat upon a scared tiny face.
Instead I see the beauty of imperfection in it's place.
Numbers have become numbers once again.
No longer ticking in a lonely head.
I'd like to say I'm sorry for the pain I insued.
Not just to myself but upon all of you.
I encuraged bad behavior.
I brought my tears to you.
I liked to say I'm sorry,
because frankly that's all I can do.
But I'm very much better now.
I went through a lot.
I did my very best to be to this spot.
So here I am at last.
I went from 90 pounds to one hundred.
I've stopped the silly diets.
I've stopped living in dread.
I've started feeling alive.
And stopped feeling dead.

Back at this Stage... again.

Here I am again big, FAT, and extremely miserable. I just continue on this cycle of huge and dispare. Please part me from this disturbing body and mind in which I live. Renew me. Make me bone. I want to be thin.