The Truth.

It hits you like a stray bullet. It hurts like one too. Wanna know? Be quiet. You're the only ones I can tell....

One Hundred Truths:
1. My name is Jordan.
2. I'm 15 years old.
3. I currently weigh 106 pounds.
4. The most I've ever weighed in my life.
5. I'm 5'3".
6. I'm really short, shortest of all my friends.
7. I live in Pennslyvania.
8. I have a loving mom.
9. 2 sisters, 2 brothers
10. And a Dad.
11. .... and a step-mom
12. My parents split when I was in 5th grade.
13. The nest year I started cutting.
14. I haven't seen my dad since he left until this year. He cheated on my mom.
15. My sisters are four and five. They don't know what a dad is.
16. In 7th grade, I discovered I could make myself throw up.
17. I did it after every meal.
18. I was sent to three therapist who did no help at all. I am currently without one.
19. I seriously hate my stomach.
20. It's the most disusting things I've ever seen.
21. In 8th grade, last year, I could no longer puke, I had broken my gag reflex.
22. So I discovered if I didn't eat anything... there was nothing I needed to get out.
23. My lowest weight was a pathetic 90lbs.
24. I tried to self recover myself uncountabe times.
25. No one knows about my starving.
26. In 5th grade I discovered I was bisexual. And I'll never tell a soul.
27. I wish more than anything to weigh 75lbs.
28. To be nothing but bones.
29. To look outside what I feel on the in.
30. I don't think there was a time I was ever really happy.
31. I'm so selfish, I have no problems compared to everyone else... but look at me. Pathetic.
32. Everyone says 'anorexic skinny' girls are disgusting.... I strongly disagree.
33. I cut myself on my ankles... because they'll always only check your arms.
34. After I'm done posting this... I plan on cutting myself.
35. I feel the lonliest, in the most crowded of rooms.
36. I've always wanted to be checked into a mental hospital.
37. I escape into books, to escape from myself.
38. I make up all my problems. I have none, I'm just duranged.
39. I want to cry so bad... but I wouldn't dare show weakness.
40. People call me fat and ugly every day. Everywhere I go. The internet, at home, especially at school, even in my own head. There is no escape for me.
41. I've tried to kill myself three times.
42. Twice in 7th grade, once in 8th grade.
43. All three times with overdose.
44. Each time I woke up.
45. Why can't I ever swallow enough?
46. If I had a gun, I'd be long gone.
47. 7th grade year.... I was 13..... I was into drugs.
48. I was always too pussy to go into hardcore stuff though.
49. I crushed (popped um too) pills, smoked every chance I got.
50. I'm such a fuck up, I can't even cut myself the 'right' way.
51. I'm too much of a bitch to do it with a blade.. I do it with a jagged edge.
52. I do it with the metal end of a tape dispensor.
53. I got the idea from a girl in my class.
54. She accidentially broke a tape thing in the hallway, picked up the metal part and said "why don't you cut yourself with this?" so I did.
55. I never, ever sleep. Insomnia, maybe. Who knows....
56. I don't feel pain. I feel nothing. Maybe that's worse.
57. I expect that by now, no one is reading this.
58. I truely believe I'm the ugliest person I know... maybe even on the planet.
59. It's sick, and wrong... but I wish I had cancer... so I'd wither and die. So I didn't have to wait to find the courage to do it myself.
60. Rape and kidnapping are my worst fears.
61. I want to go to school to become a therapist. How ironic, eh?
62. I'm a whiny slut. No really, ask anyone.
63. I want someone to tell me I'm gorgeous, but no one seems to want to step up to the task.
64. I want to cuddle, right now.
65. I want to be a model. Want is the key word. Fat, ugly, and awkward are the bolt locks.
66. Numb. Numb. Numb. Numb. Numb. Numb. Numb.
67. If I could do any drug, it'd be cocaine. Lose weight, get away.
68. I hate exercise, no wonder I got this way, huge.
69. If you are what you eat, I am nothing.
70. If my hair and make up aren't perfect... I won't go to school. I'll be on sick leave for the day.
71. I'm an A-Cup. Woot, how sexy....
72. I cut in class. A pencil tip, my weapon of choice.
73. My eyes aren't even pretty.
74. I want help, but I don't want to ask.
75. Hip bones are my ultimate goal, but it'll never be so.
76. Being over 100lbs scares me so much....
77. I can calculate my weight in over 50 different systems.
78. I won't stop, never stop....
79. If I have no weapon of choice, I bite my skin til I bleed.
80. If I run away I'll never survive. If I stay here I'll never survive. Help me.
81. I don't even smile, yet no one can see it.
82. Hiding cuts is my art.
83. Huge thighs. No gap.
84. I spend all nights, every single night, going through weightloss blogs... hoping I can someday look like that, but knowing I can't.
85. I wake up every morning contemplating every possible way not to eat all day.
86. "Let me help you!" "Go away."
87. Lips seeled tight. Won't eat tonight.
88. Wishing my Mom was on a diet, so I have an excuse to be too.
89. My best friend screams at me for not eating... she's not worred. She just thinks I'm dumb. An attention whore, a skank.
90. I think she's right.
91. Everyone I ever gave anything to, left.
92. I don't even have internet friends. They think I'm just lying too.
93. I still feel guilty even after I only eat 100 calories.
94. I have a sick attration to older men.
95. I'm more attracted to women then men, but I have'nt been with either.
96. I'm the biggest hypocrate alive. I promise you that.
97. I'll never be happy with the way I look, no matter what I do.
98. I'll never believe a word you say, sorry, I won't.
99. So many more secrets, not enough time, not enough space.
100. I love to hate myself.

On a still saddened note,, picture updates(fat, waterblotted, disgusting.):

Someone please tell me how gross I really am? Please?