Lips Sealed Tight
Skin Inching to the Very Thought of it
Unable to Stop
They Screaming Voices of so Called "Loved Ones" Druming in Your Head
Your Mouth Opens
And Just Like That, Like Magic All of it Finds its Way Out
The Sweet Sticky Chocolate
Chips Drenched in Salsa, a Favorite of Yours
And The Sugar Cookies, All of Them Straight From the Pack
It's All Suddenly Gone
Down the Drain
You Feel Empty, But The Good Kind
An Unanwsered Prayer Suddenly Rings in The Back of Your Head
You Scoff at The Thought of Old Hopes, Now Worthless Passing Gesters
The Phone Rings
And Then it Rings Again
Then a Third Time
You Pick it Up
The Sorce of The Problem
Stirring Up More Unneeded Problems For Your Weak Aching Body
Suddenly Your Hungry Again...
Monday, March 5, 2012
My Mind.
Until that doctor visit
I steped upon that big metal scale
And just couldn't smile
103 is just way too much
Doctor says "its fine
You're 14 now after all''
There's something there I couldn't clutch
The whole way home and all day long
I couldn't let it go
I couldn't eat the rest of the day
It just felt so wrong
School the next day wasn't any better
All my skinny friends
I had myself convinced
that that'll never be me ever
So I devised a genius plan
one that's sure not to fail
food equals fat
stop eating, get a man
It took weeks for mom to notice
she scolded me a lot
eat this piece of cake she cried
I told her I could not
Still with no concern or consent from mommy dearest
I continue to lose weight
without resentment
and no one else can see it
And if I died right here right now
there's only one thing I'd regret
not that i'm only 95
but that I'm not 80 yet
Cutting.
To scared to sleep because I fear the light of tomorrow
But I want to fall asleep so I can dream I am someone else
So I decide to do neither
Instead I consult in my blade
My only friend I know i can count on
One mark on my arm is not enough
I make more until I feel nothing at all
I put him back in his hiding place
So no one may find him
Stained and rusted with blood
I lay back down in bed and watch myself bleed
Like a river flowing from every angle
I observe my river until the flowing stops
I find my favorite jacket
The one with blood stains on the inside sleeve
I slip it on
Carefully laying my head on my pillow
my eyes shut tight
I dream sweetly
Influences.
things have changed since you were my father
your little girls got even smaller
don't let the purging be a bother
Ana is my only friend
things have been different since I was ten
I had a life back then
I had a family
Mia comes to visit every once in a while
... Daddy what's wrong why can't you smile
Don't talk to me like I'm still a child
look in my eyes
Daddy wait where are you going
you've gone again without me knowing
It'll be years again until I see that face
It always leaves without a trace
Daddy you make so blue
we used to stick together... just like glue
Maybe that's why I weigh 92
I can't gain anything unless I'm with you
The Media.
In my school they walk the halls
Pretty models at the mall
Why do they get to be so thin and tall?
Mommy tells me "Dear it's all in your head"
If that's so Mommy dearest why can't I get out of bed?
Or remember what you've just said?
If I've got so much time left to live why do I feel so dead?
Grandma doesn't get it as she asks me "Why?"
I say "You know I can't help it. At least I try."
Time to ask myself a question 'Why must I lie?'
A question never answered, drowned out by my cries
Pappy asks me "What's for lunch?"
I said I couldn't handle much
Another day of life's crutch
and Ana's strong and painful clutch
I've lost another ten and I'm not happy yet
Just another ten to perfection that was my bet
A promise I made to myself that I now regret
Oh me why do we do this to ourself? How Skinny must we Get?
The Pig.
I used to think that weight was everything.
But now I get to sing.
Free from the nonsense that anorexia brings.
I have friends.
I've had men.
I see a whole new light.
I've stopped crying for a reason.
Every single night.
I don't see fat upon a scared tiny face.
Instead I see the beauty of imperfection in it's place.
Numbers have become numbers once again.
No longer ticking in a lonely head.
I'd like to say I'm sorry for the pain I insued.
Not just to myself but upon all of you.
I encuraged bad behavior.
I brought my tears to you.
I liked to say I'm sorry,
because frankly that's all I can do.
But I'm very much better now.
I went through a lot.
I did my very best to be to this spot.
So here I am at last.
I went from 90 pounds to one hundred.
I've stopped the silly diets.
I've stopped living in dread.
I've started feeling alive.
And stopped feeling dead.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Back at this Stage... again.
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